Biggest test

You see, I don’t know when it was that I stopped admiring you. That I knew you didn’t have all the answers after all. That you were not like the other mothers.

Slowly but surely, I woke up one day and realised that I resent you. It must’ve been after my first baby. You didn’t help me the way my friends mothers helped them, not physically or emotionally. All you said was “motherhood’s not easy” and dismissed me. And I can’t remember any time where you gave me helpful advice.

I know you had it rough, really rough and so I try to cut you some slack. Sometimes I feel mean for feeling these things, and even meaner for saying them out loud. I can’t help it. You are my biggest test and I really wish things were different. But this is the test that He chose for me, you and the rest of the troublesome family. This is it.

I look forward to jannah, where our relationship will be pure bliss. I don’t think I ever thought of being together in jannah until now. I guess maybe because jannah means happiness. Eternal bliss. But first we have to get through this. This life and these tests, your comments and remarks that make me want to yell and scream. But I will keep it together, although you make it hard. I will keep my mouth shut so that we can live beautifully in the afterlife.

Grief as a parent

To grieve as a parent is a strange thing

The absence of processed feelings

There are still dishes to wash

And a kitchen to clean.

There’s still food to prep

And kids to feed.

Wanting to have a moment alone

But the pile of laundry won’t help its own

There are still clothes that need to be washed and hung,

School drop off’s to be done.

Tantrums to tend to,

All while attempting to be calm.

Bottling up feelings because you cannot release

Can I have some time alone please.

Going back to work because you need to get paid

Really, none of us are here to stay.

Someday, they will mourn after us too,

Attending endless chores, they will get through.

“It takes a village”

It takes a village

Yet I’m stranded at sea

Not knowing how to swim,

Nobody taught me.

I’m building a raft on my own

No instructions, all alone.

Sometimes I lose myself

And I can’t find my way back home.

If I knew it would be like this,

Would I have started this trek?

It seems almost impossible

To start something you don’t know.

How did everyone else survive?

Drowning by my own weight now

By the baggage I carry

I have brought too much with me

I can’t let go, even though I’m trying.

Get them off me and set me free.

I find a rope

The One I’ve been seeking

It’s slippery but I’m holding on

I need You, even though You don’t need me.

The only way to get through this is to hold tightly

Despite the tsunami

I guess I don’t need the village,

If I have You, I already have everything.

Kun fayakun.

Body and brain

Your brain is the most powerful thing you have, more intricate, and more adaptable than the phone or laptop you are reading from right now. Nurture it, fuel it with good thoughts. Be mindful of negativity, stop it in its tracks.

Your body is the only one you will get. All the money and resources in the world cannot get you another body. Nourish it, fuel it with good food, move it, be grateful for it.

Look after them and they will look after you.

All or nothing?!

“If you’re not going to wear the hijab properly then don’t wear it at all!” 

Woahhh.

Hold on. That’s a HUGE thing to say. 

I overheard a conversation earlier about a lady who was saying just that. And that sisters should take off their hijab if they’re not going to wear it properly, and put it back on once they’re ready. 

I understand a part of that, obviously we should wear it properly. But the above mindest does not work- especially with our youth today- and especially living in a western country. 

I understand the origin of that thought 100%. I used to think the same way. But it’s not healthy, for you or me. 

I’m not here to defend immodest dress.

However, here are some repercussions of portraying this mindset to the community.

– Immorality leads to further immorality. If we are telling sisters to take off their hijab for not wearing it correctly- and they take on that advice because of us.. Imagine that once they take it off, they stop praying, they may think “Oh, now I can go clubbing”, “Now I can hang out with so and so, and try xyz”. Imagine if one of us were the reason for this. And imagine that the person dies upon a disobedient lifestyle before they were ready to wear the hijab properly. 

– This brings me to my next point. You can never feel 100% Ready. The shaytan will whisper to you day in day out. Unless you consciously shut that down and take action, it will not go away, or, rather it will not lessen. I’m yet to hear a hijab story of someone who felt completely ready and not scared or nervous when they decided to put on the hijab. 

– Everyone is on a different level of iman. Their ‘half’ hijab may be more pleasing to Allah swt than our ‘full’ hijab. How? Their struggle to hold onto their hijab may be the greatest struggle they are going through, but they are not taking it off purely for the sake of Allah. And our arrogance and judgement may ruin our intentions and relationship with Allah swt. 

– The idea of all or nothing, it doesn’t work. We should be constantly making improvements- furthering our knowledge and practices. We are all struggling in one way or another. Your dress code may be your struggle, yet mine may be envy- the only difference is yours can be physically seen- available for everyone to judge, and mine can’t. 

– If you’re going to give advice, please do it out of love. Speak gently, and show your concern. You’re advising them because you want to be their neighbour in Jannah. There is no need to be harsh. Most of us know what we are doing wrong. Approaching a sister harshly is not going to do anyone any good. Again, it all comes down to different struggles. How about if she is a revert, or if she just put the hijab on a week ago- are you going to discourage that? It takes time, support and knowledge to eventually cover up more and more. 

– At the end of the day, we all sin. Judging someone for sinning differently is not a trait we should have. 

I don’t want to cause a debate or heated discussion, because let’s be honest, a lot of people have a lot to say on this topic. I just wanted to spark a thought, make excuses for your brothers and sisters in Islam. Their struggle today may be our struggle tomorrow. And let’s leave the judging to the Judge Himself swt. 

Turn to Him

If the angel of death at this instant
Took your soul into the distance
Would you be happy with the life you led
Or would you want to change it instead?

Would you be happy with the decisions you made?
Or do your decisions make you afraid
Of the questioning that will happen in your grave?
Now you wish you had behaved.

Why do we waste so much time
Putting effort into a life that is only a sign
A test for you and me
My friend, you cannot flee
From the angel of death
Was it worth giving in to our nafs?

We say we will start tomorrow
But that day may never show
None of us are guaranteed the next second
Yet we plan for the next decade and,
Do you not think that you will die?
It is the only thing guaranteed in this life.

So whatever is making you sin
Remove from your life this thing
It is not worth being the reason
For your hereafter to be in prison

Turn to the Most Merciful, the Most Forgiving
For only He can add quality to this life you’re living. 

“I don’t have time!”

I know lately I’ve posted a fair bit about ‘time’, and it’s because I’m trying to be more productive with my time. And there’s the issue right there; ‘my’ time. SubhanAllah. Who has given us this time? Who has given us every single blessing that we have?

Even my 8 year old students at the Mosque give me the excuse of “I didn’t have time” when I ask them if they have practised their Qur’an and Surah’s. How can a child possibly not have enough time? That would be them following the priorities and excuses of their parents and family, but that’s a topic for another day.

So what does it mean when someone says they don’t have time? You have time to eat, to sleep, to do your school/Uni work. Why? Because these things are a priority, and what about if you didn’t do them? If you don’t eat and sleep, you will not be able to function properly. And there are consequences for not doing your school work etc.

The same way people ‘don’t have time to pray’ shouldn’t have time to eat. Because just like the nourishment of the physical body is food, the nourishment of the soul is prayer. Just like you will get sick and die if you do not eat and sleep properly, your spiritual heart can also become hard, and even worse; dead.

If we don’t have enough time to seek knowledge in Islam, then we shouldn’t have time to go to school. Sounds a little extreme, however, the Owner of time commanded certain things for us to do, and if we can’t make time for them then what is our priority? This life or the hereafter?

The clock is ticking. I was listening to a tafseer of Surah Fajr just before, which by the way is a great reminder of time. In the tafseer, the Shaykh said that on the Day of Judgement, even the pious will feel that they should have done more for the hereafter. Isn’t that scary? The amount of regret we will feel for every minute we wasted.

This is a reminder to myself first. May Allah make us of those who use our time productively, and be shaded on the Day of Judgement, ameen.