Grief as a parent

To grieve as a parent is a strange thing

The absence of processed feelings

There are still dishes to wash

And a kitchen to clean.

There’s still food to prep

And kids to feed.

Wanting to have a moment alone

But the pile of laundry won’t help its own

There are still clothes that need to be washed and hung,

School drop off’s to be done.

Tantrums to tend to,

All while attempting to be calm.

Bottling up feelings because you cannot release

Can I have some time alone please.

Going back to work because you need to get paid

Really, none of us are here to stay.

Someday, they will mourn after us too,

Attending endless chores, they will get through.

Sacrifices of a mother.

Sacrifice. Synonym: Mother.

No I’m not a feminist, I believe my religion gives me more rights than any western ism can give me.

A man wakes up in the morning, and worries about nothing but himself. Sure he may be stressing about financial matters, he wants to make more money and fast so that he can give the best for his family. I won’t deny that. But he wakes up, and he isn’t thinking about nappy changes, or making breakfast for toddlers who will feed the floor more than they feed themselves. Nope. He gets up, goes to the toilet for half an hour. So quiet and peaceful. Except for the sound coming from his phone. What a life!

He leaves the house, not thinking about the baby bag he has to pack, not fretting over how he’s going to carry the baby, plus baby bag, plus his mothers container that needs to be dropped off, plus the extra stuff that needs to be given to his sister. Nope. He gets in the car and has a nice, quiet, peaceful drive to work. He gets to work, drinks his hot cup of coffee, while he sits there without having to worry about kids jumping all over him.

Meanwhile, his wife wakes up to the baby pulling on her hair, and the toddler who has already made a mess. She struggles to wake up because she spent the night feeding and putting her baby back to sleep, because last night she was thinking of business ideas so she can financially contribute to the family, even though, according to her religion, she does NOT have to make a cent. Thank you, you can stick your feminism where it doesn’t shine.

Wake up, change the babies nappy while she cries hysterically, jump over the toys and make her a bottle of milk. Whip up something for the toddler. Oh wait, DID I MENTION THESE BABIES ARENT ADOPTED. SHE CARRIED THEM AND BIRTHED THEM HERSELF TOO. And a man wants to talk about sacrifice. Pff. Ha. Get off your high horse.

She goes about her day, stressing about naps and dealing with tantrums. Drinks her cold coffee while her babies try to climb all over her. She cannot even go to the bathroom alone, NUMBER ONE AND TWO. And you want to talk about sacrifice?! Ok let’s go.

Her husband comes home. Desperate for a small break, she looks forward to 5 minutes alone. He’s on the phone even though it’s way past working hours. Okay, keep calm, he’s working. He’s off the phone. Ask him about his day. No wait, deal with the divided attention between you and the phone. Ok can you look after them while I make dinner? Sure thing.

She makes dinner, all the while balancing 10 other things that need to be done. She cleans the entire kitchen even though her back feels like it’s going to snap. Years of working in the hospitality industry biting her where it hurts.

Time for bedtime. Prepare bottles. Tidy up, because if I wake up to see a mess, it will give me anxiety. Oh another thing motherhood has gifted me, ANXIETY. Great. Thank you.

A woman sacrifices her body, she might look in the mirror and feel disappointed with what she sees. And yeah, there’s no easy way of carrying the gift God has given us, but you know what, it doesn’t make us ungrateful, and it sure as hell doesn’t invalidate how we feel about the hardships that come with it.

A woman can work full-time too, yet she still sees to at least 90% of the housework and parental duties in MOST households. And when she doesn’t have a paid job, she is seen as insignificant, unworthy. “When will you go back to work?” I AM WORKING.

I’ve worked full-time, I’ve worked 2 jobs, I’ve worked 7 days a week. And you know what? It’s a PIECE OF CAKE COMPARED TO PARENTING, dare I say mothering!

One does all of the hard work in raising a child, putting the dishes away with a baby in their arms. She could take the easy way out and give the baby some technology to entertain but she doesn’t because she wants to raise her child this way. (Nothing wrong with those who do, last thing I would do is make another mother feel unworthy). I want to avoid technology as long as possible, and the other parent knows that. But what does he do within 5 minutes of taking care of the baby. GIVES HER A DEVICE WITH A CARTOON.

It takes 2 people to have a baby. TWO. But one does most of the work. Each one thinking that the other has struck the better end of the deal. Haha. Seriously?

Please. Humour me if you will. I am not a male basher, usually. But today, I am pissed. When a man uses the word SACRIFICE, I will win every single argument you have. Don’t you dare try to make me feel worthless because I am a stay at home mother. Because I don’t financially contribute to the household, I contribute in a currency that cannot be seen by all, that is invaluable. I am the queen of my kingdom. I am raising warriors. I can do what you do with my eyes closed, but you can’t last 5 minutes doing what I do, to the level that I do it at. Get that through your head. See ya.

Hijab: off.

This precious piece of cloth.

You decided to take off.

I saw you at the Masjid

You were praying just like me

Eyes lit up as we spoke about our deen

So I can’t help but wonder what made you settle for this..

Was it the way I looked at you?

Was it because I didn’t take your hand and show you through

What prompted you my dearest sister.

Did someone disturb your peace,

Or did you feel unworthy?

It might be a little too late,

But allow me to shed some light.

Do you remember the times you were sick and He healed you

Do you recall the time when you felt lost and He guided you

How about the time when you felt helpless and He showed you the way.

No request is ever too big for the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

Just ask, like you did before and He will give more than you and I deserve.

~

This is just your test,

And maybe it is also mine.

This Ummah is like one body,

What afflicts you also has me in distress.

Maybe that’s what was missing,

We didn’t help you heal

Or attempt to sooth your pain

Maybe we gave you the bandaid solution.

And now the wound has resurfaced

And the scars remain.

Beautiful lie. Photos in disguise.

Instead of hiding it like I should have, 

I showed it to the world.  

“Look at me, look at how beautiful I am”

May as well have been the caption. 

Taking credit, 

as if I had anything to do with it. 

All I did was put some make-up on,

Hid behind where I was truly from. 

Looking for acceptance and liberation. 

Compliments and affirmation. 

Now all I see is darkness in that life, 

How was that enjoyable? 

..
If I could put in words, 

How much I regret the way

I sought approval and praise

At the cost of my hereafter.

..

We are lying to ourselves if we say, 

We seek nothing else…

What do you live for? 

What makes you wake up each day? 

There’s got to be more to life than this.