Biggest test

You see, I don’t know when it was that I stopped admiring you. That I knew you didn’t have all the answers after all. That you were not like the other mothers.

Slowly but surely, I woke up one day and realised that I resent you. It must’ve been after my first baby. You didn’t help me the way my friends mothers helped them, not physically or emotionally. All you said was “motherhood’s not easy” and dismissed me. And I can’t remember any time where you gave me helpful advice.

I know you had it rough, really rough and so I try to cut you some slack. Sometimes I feel mean for feeling these things, and even meaner for saying them out loud. I can’t help it. You are my biggest test and I really wish things were different. But this is the test that He chose for me, you and the rest of the troublesome family. This is it.

I look forward to jannah, where our relationship will be pure bliss. I don’t think I ever thought of being together in jannah until now. I guess maybe because jannah means happiness. Eternal bliss. But first we have to get through this. This life and these tests, your comments and remarks that make me want to yell and scream. But I will keep it together, although you make it hard. I will keep my mouth shut so that we can live beautifully in the afterlife.

Grief as a parent

To grieve as a parent is a strange thing

The absence of processed feelings

There are still dishes to wash

And a kitchen to clean.

There’s still food to prep

And kids to feed.

Wanting to have a moment alone

But the pile of laundry won’t help its own

There are still clothes that need to be washed and hung,

School drop off’s to be done.

Tantrums to tend to,

All while attempting to be calm.

Bottling up feelings because you cannot release

Can I have some time alone please.

Going back to work because you need to get paid

Really, none of us are here to stay.

Someday, they will mourn after us too,

Attending endless chores, they will get through.

“It takes a village”

It takes a village

Yet I’m stranded at sea

Not knowing how to swim,

Nobody taught me.

I’m building a raft on my own

No instructions, all alone.

Sometimes I lose myself

And I can’t find my way back home.

If I knew it would be like this,

Would I have started this trek?

It seems almost impossible

To start something you don’t know.

How did everyone else survive?

Drowning by my own weight now

By the baggage I carry

I have brought too much with me

I can’t let go, even though I’m trying.

Get them off me and set me free.

I find a rope

The One I’ve been seeking

It’s slippery but I’m holding on

I need You, even though You don’t need me.

The only way to get through this is to hold tightly

Despite the tsunami

I guess I don’t need the village,

If I have You, I already have everything.

Kun fayakun.

She is a mother.

She is
Feirce,
Ambitious,
Inspiring.

She is
Loving,
Caring,
Nurturing.

She is
The comforter,
The leader,
The builder.

She is,
The cuddler,
The rocker,
The shusher.

She is a worrier,
She is a warrior.

Gone

Gone are the

Saturday night dinners

Sunday brunches with family

Weekday visits with friends

Gone is the will to

Get up and move, some days

Wash your hair

Brush your teeth

No more

Prayers in congregation

Mosque or Church

Big Eid or Easter celebrations

Gone are the times

We could just go to the park

Do some retail therapy

Get together with those we love

How sad it is for those who

Cannot attend their families funeral

Had to postpone weddings

Can’t visit their beloved at the hospital

My heart breaks for those who

Have lost their jobs

Are struggling with finances

Are away from their beloved

Gone is the hope for my baby to

Get out and explore the world, and

Develop a relationship with our family

Play at the park

Sit on real grass

Make baby friends

Isolation,

Too much emotion

I feel like I’m

Suffocating

Waiting

For the end.

Orphan

Lost.

Confused.

Who are you?

Why am I here?

Can I watch some TV?

It’s the only thing I don’t fear.

Where is my mother?

Why isn’t she here?

I don’t recognise anything.

Nothing is familiar.

Is this my new room?

How long will I be here?

Until I have to do this all over again?

I don’t want to sleep yet.

My stomach hurts.

My head hurts.

Everything hurts.

I’m not used to do the smell of this house

Or this food.

What is this?

This is not where I usually bath.

How come this room is so dark?

Who are all of these people?

Why are they staring at me?

I don’t like this jumper

Why can’t you see?

I don’t understand you.

And you don’t understand me.

No I don’t like this new home.

Please, just let me be.

I read on an AP group about a family who fostered a 2 year old. She was looking for advice because he was crying not to sleep. He wanted to watch TV. She didn’t know what to do. I just thought about how this baby would be feeling. Lost and confused. Scared and lonely. Brought into a new home with strangers. And God knows how many homes there have been before this. God only knows what this poor child has endured over the past 2 years. I don’t think anything would have been consistent. How confusing and SCARY. I can’t even fathom how he must be feeling. It really breaks my heart. How many children are out there like this?

Ya Allah thank you for what we have. Take care of the orphans ya Rabb. Ameen.

#adayinthelife

Reflection

There is a woman staring at me.

Who are you? I asked.

What is there to see?

I remember a time when you were young, wild and free.

You were ambitious and unique.

You were loud and confident.

Proud and passionate.

Seeking knowledge and

I see the bags under your eyes.

Did you even sleep last night?

You have a dependant,

Who cries constantly

I see the way you look at me,

You’re tired, physically,

But more so mentally.

Drained, feeling empty.

But if you look a little closer,

Beyond the physical exposure,

You will see my heart full

Full with love,

It is overflowing

Who is she?

I don’t recognise her.

It may not seem,

But life is better than she dreamed.

Yes it is hard

But this is the meaning of love

The woman you’re staring at,

Is the one in the mirror.

Be kind to her,

And she will flourish more than ever.

Moving on

If something is making you unhappy, putting you in all sorts of negative moods, why do you stick around?

Don’t settle. If a relationship, a group of friends, a job, an environment, a lifestyle is making you bitter, then leave it or change it. Do whatever is necessary to improve your overall life satisfaction. Staying in your worn out job or whatever it is that’s making you uneasy, might make you feel okay or satisfied for a short amount of time. However, if you leave that thing that makes you bitter and miserable, then you will be happier in the long run. This is not to say to leave everything behind that isn’t perfect, because nothing is. This is more so those instances when you wake up each morning dreading to go to work (most of us do), but also when you find yourself in a great mood before work, and you get there and suddenly you feel agitated and annoyed at everyone and everything. Same thing applies to your friends and your partner, if you find yourself extremely happy when you’re not with these people and then your moods are all over the place when you see them, then you should probably move on. Obviously every circumstance is different. But, generally speaking, and from experience also, when these things or people no longer respect you and/or your lifestyle, then it’s time to move forward.

We generally put up with these things, people, feelings etc. Because we either think we are not good enough for something better, or we are scared of change. Change can be daunting, but if you are making changes for the better then you will be able to embrace it with open arms. Take it one small step at a time, but take action to improve your overall health now.

Hijab: off.

This precious piece of cloth.

You decided to take off.

I saw you at the Masjid

You were praying just like me

Eyes lit up as we spoke about our deen

So I can’t help but wonder what made you settle for this..

Was it the way I looked at you?

Was it because I didn’t take your hand and show you through

What prompted you my dearest sister.

Did someone disturb your peace,

Or did you feel unworthy?

It might be a little too late,

But allow me to shed some light.

Do you remember the times you were sick and He healed you

Do you recall the time when you felt lost and He guided you

How about the time when you felt helpless and He showed you the way.

No request is ever too big for the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

Just ask, like you did before and He will give more than you and I deserve.

~

This is just your test,

And maybe it is also mine.

This Ummah is like one body,

What afflicts you also has me in distress.

Maybe that’s what was missing,

We didn’t help you heal

Or attempt to sooth your pain

Maybe we gave you the bandaid solution.

And now the wound has resurfaced

And the scars remain.

Attached

Dont ever get attached

Dont ever get attached

Dont ever get attached.

Is what I would tell myself. Because its happened before and my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

Like a mosaic piece, it took forever to glue back together.

Now I sit here. Waiting for you to come back.

Attached.