Grief as a parent

To grieve as a parent is a strange thing

The absence of processed feelings

There are still dishes to wash

And a kitchen to clean.

There’s still food to prep

And kids to feed.

Wanting to have a moment alone

But the pile of laundry won’t help its own

There are still clothes that need to be washed and hung,

School drop off’s to be done.

Tantrums to tend to,

All while attempting to be calm.

Bottling up feelings because you cannot release

Can I have some time alone please.

Going back to work because you need to get paid

Really, none of us are here to stay.

Someday, they will mourn after us too,

Attending endless chores, they will get through.

Guess who.

Hello, you.
You crept around the corner,
I didn’t see you coming
Hello, you
You make me feel a new kind of way.
I hope you’re not here to stay.
Hello, you
I want you gone once and for all
But I don’t know who to call.
Hello, you
Unwanted guest
Leave at my behest
Can’t handle this mess.
Hello, you
You are a pain in my behind,
Making me lose my mind.
I need you to be gone.

What are you trying to prove?
Hello, anxiety.

Orphan

Lost.

Confused.

Who are you?

Why am I here?

Can I watch some TV?

It’s the only thing I don’t fear.

Where is my mother?

Why isn’t she here?

I don’t recognise anything.

Nothing is familiar.

Is this my new room?

How long will I be here?

Until I have to do this all over again?

I don’t want to sleep yet.

My stomach hurts.

My head hurts.

Everything hurts.

I’m not used to do the smell of this house

Or this food.

What is this?

This is not where I usually bath.

How come this room is so dark?

Who are all of these people?

Why are they staring at me?

I don’t like this jumper

Why can’t you see?

I don’t understand you.

And you don’t understand me.

No I don’t like this new home.

Please, just let me be.

I read on an AP group about a family who fostered a 2 year old. She was looking for advice because he was crying not to sleep. He wanted to watch TV. She didn’t know what to do. I just thought about how this baby would be feeling. Lost and confused. Scared and lonely. Brought into a new home with strangers. And God knows how many homes there have been before this. God only knows what this poor child has endured over the past 2 years. I don’t think anything would have been consistent. How confusing and SCARY. I can’t even fathom how he must be feeling. It really breaks my heart. How many children are out there like this?

Ya Allah thank you for what we have. Take care of the orphans ya Rabb. Ameen.

#adayinthelife

Attached

Dont ever get attached

Dont ever get attached

Dont ever get attached.

Is what I would tell myself. Because its happened before and my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

Like a mosaic piece, it took forever to glue back together.

Now I sit here. Waiting for you to come back.

Attached.